Living by design
At every moment, whether we realize it or not, our lives are shaped by a set of core principles. Some of us have taken the time to articulate them clearly, while others simply live by them unconsciously. But make no mistake—everyone operates from a set of values.
These principles act as a compass, guiding our decisions, shaping our relationships, and influencing the future we build for ourselves. They determine what we say “yes” to and what we reject. They drive the way we parent, lead, and navigate challenges. And most importantly, they are revealed not by what we claim to believe, but by how we act—especially when no one is watching.
Why Actions Speak Louder Than Words
One of my friends, Kevin Carroll, once shared a lesson his grandfather instilled in him:
“Be about it. Don’t just talk about it.”
That phrase holds a lot of weight.
You can tell your kids that honesty matters, but if they see you bending the truth when it’s convenient, they will absorb the behavior, not the words. You can say that integrity is a core value, but when pressured, your real principles will be evident in the choices you make.
This is because our actions are an open window into our values. The best way to uncover someone’s principles isn’t to ask them directly—it’s to observe their behavior over time.
So, if our actions reveal our principles, the next logical question is: Are we consciously shaping our values, or are we living by default?
The Stories We Tell Ourselves Become Our Beliefs
Every belief we hold is built from the stories we tell ourselves.
Some of these stories come from defining moments—experiences so powerful that they leave an imprint on our psyche. Others are formed over time, repeated so often that the story itself fades into the background, leaving only the belief.
These beliefs don’t always operate at the conscious level. We might say we believe in generosity, but if we were raised with a scarcity mindset—where resources were always limited—we may find ourselves hesitating to give, even when we can afford to.
This is why self-awareness is critical. If we don’t take the time to define our core principles with intention, we may unknowingly live by old stories that no longer serve us.
Core Principles Are a Practice, Not Perfection
Some people think of core values as rigid pillars—unchanging and absolute. But the truth is, we are all human.
Even when we define our principles, we won’t always live up to them perfectly. Like dribbling a basketball in the wind, sometimes things get away from us. That’s why our values need to be a practice, not a performance.
The key is to always come back to them. To recognize when we’ve drifted and realign. To give ourselves grace when we fall short, while still holding ourselves accountable to the principles that define who we are.
And here’s something important: When we act outside of our core principles—especially in moments of fear, stress, or pressure—it’s not just a failure, it’s a signal. These moments highlight areas where we still need to grow. They reveal the subconscious beliefs we may not have fully addressed. Instead of just feeling guilt or frustration, we can use these moments as an invitation to reflect, learn, and strengthen the values we want to embody.
How to Define Your Core Principles
If you want to get clear on your principles, here’s a simple exercise:
Step 1: Identify What Breaks Your Heart
Sometimes, it’s easier to define what we stand for by looking at what we stand against. What are the things that deeply bother you? Injustice? Dishonesty? Apathy?
Write down the things that feel fundamentally wrong to you. These pain points often illuminate what you care about most.
Step 2: Ask Yourself What You Stand For—Even When No One is Watching
What are the non-negotiables in your life? The things you would hold onto even if they cost you something? Even if they led to scrutiny or discomfort?
This is where you separate preference from principle. Many people prefer kindness, but fewer will stand for kindness when it’s inconvenient or unpopular.
Step 3: Look for Patterns and Simplify
If your list of principles is long, look for themes. Are there overlapping ideas? Can some be distilled into broader concepts?
The goal is to arrive at 2 to 4 simple guiding principles—phrases that you can carry in your heart and return to in times of uncertainty. These principles should be a foundation you can stand on, no matter what.
Your Future is Built on Your Principles
When you define your core values with clarity, decision-making becomes easier. You’ll know what to say “yes” to and what to walk away from. You’ll have an anchor when life gets chaotic, a foundation that keeps you steady when pressure mounts.
Most importantly, you’ll be intentional about the person you’re becoming. Because whether we realize it or not, every choice we make is shaping our future.
So the question is: Are you shaping your principles, or are they shaping you?
