I don't trust you
Trust is the foundation of every great team, every strong relationship, and every successful organization. But let’s be honest—most teams aren’t operating at the highest level of trust.
Sometimes, it’s obvious: backchannel conversations, lack of transparency, leadership that says one thing but does another. Other times, it’s subtle: hesitation in meetings, a reluctance to share ideas, a culture of “just doing my job” instead of real collaboration.
Trust vs. Distrust
In Conversational Intelligence, Judith Glaser breaks down the stark difference between trust and distrust—and why it matters.
When trust is present, people feel psychologically safe. They believe their leaders and teammates have their best interests at heart. They feel free to share ideas openly, challenge assumptions, and contribute without fear of retribution. In this environment, trust sounds like:
“I know we see the world in a similar way.”
“I believe you care about me and my success.”
“I feel safe speaking candidly, knowing you won’t use my words against me.”
But distrust? That’s an entirely different reality. When people don’t trust, they assume the worst. They hesitate to share, fearing their words will be used against them. They believe the leader has their own agenda, not the team’s best interests. In these moments, distrust sounds like:
“We see the world differently, and I don’t believe you value my perspective.”
“I think you prioritize your own success over mine.”
“I don’t feel safe speaking openly, because I’ve seen you say one thing and do another.”
Glaser’s research confirms what most of us have experienced firsthand: trust and distrust create two completely different playing fields. One builds the future, while the other keeps people stuck in survival mode.
Trust the Brain
Neuroscientific research reveals that trust and distrust engage distinct regions of the brain, leading to different emotional and behavioral outcomes:
High Trust: Activates the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC), a region associated with social cognition, empathy, and decision-making. When the mPFC is engaged, individuals are more inclined toward open communication, collaboration, and innovative thinking.
Low Trust: Engages the amygdala, a key component of the limbic system involved in processing fear and threat responses. Activation of the amygdala triggers feelings of suspicion, self-protection, and hypervigilance, leading to defensive behaviors and hindered social interactions.
When distrust prevails, the brain’s focus shifts to survival mode, limiting its capacity for creativity and forward-thinking. Conversely, a trusting environment fosters activation of brain regions that support complex problem-solving and collaborative efforts, essential for growth and transformation.
What Distrust Does to a Team
Distrust doesn’t just slow things down—it fundamentally rewires how people think, feel, and behave. It shifts the entire culture of a team from possibility to self-protection.
Here’s what happens when trust breaks down:
Uncertainty About the Future
People don’t just wonder what’s happening now—they start questioning what’s coming next. Instead of taking risks, they disengage and play it safe.Confirmation Bias Takes Over
Once trust is broken, the mind scrambles for evidence to justify the feeling. Innocuous actions become proof of betrayal, deepening skepticism and defensiveness.Fear Replaces Creativity
In survival mode, people play defense, not offense. They avoid volunteering ideas, challenging bad decisions, or having tough conversations.Politics and Cliques Take Over
Side conversations replace direct conversations. Teams turn into factions. Information becomes a bargaining chip instead of something shared freely.Accountability Disappears
When accountability is weaponized instead of embraced, people stop taking ownership. They hide mistakes, point fingers, and protect themselves instead of the team.The Best People Leave
High performers don’t stick around in low-trust environments. When they go, they take not just their skills but also the trust others had in the team.Low Trust Becomes the Culture
Over time, distrust stops being about specific issues and becomes "just the way things are around here."
The Habit of Trust
One of the greatest leaders I ever worked with wasn’t a typical executive in a suit and tie. She wore a habit—the traditional attire of a nun.
She led a multi-billion-dollar healthcare organization with a vision that few could match. But despite her influence, she remained deeply connected to the people she served. She would often step outside in the early morning, her habit flowing in the wind, holding a cup of coffee and snacks to meet others halfway—not as a grand gesture, but because she genuinely wanted to ensure they felt taken care of before the work even began.
This wasn’t just kindness. It was an understanding of the dignity and worth of the individual. She didn’t just make you feel like she cared—she really cared.
That’s why I trusted her. Not because she was my leader, but because her actions proved that she understood me, believed in me, and deeply respected me.
Motives Matter
Before we talk about how to build trust, we need to be clear about something:
Trust isn’t a tactic. It’s not something you “use” to get compliance, loyalty, or productivity. If you’re trying to build trust just to gain an advantage, people will see right through it.
Trust only works when it’s real. When it’s rooted in genuine care, authenticity, and a deep respect for the people around you. Anything less will backfire.
Build Trust
Trust isn’t built in one moment—it’s built in how we communicate, every single day.
Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
Ask more questions than you answer.
Reflect back what you hear to see if you understanding.
Clarity Over Certainty
Even when you don’t have all the answers, communicate what you do know.
Set clear expectations on when updates will come.
Test for Understanding
Ask: “Can you summarize what you heard?” to confirm alignment.
Clarify misunderstandings before they snowball.
Give Trust to Get Trust
Trust isn’t earned; it’s extended. Start by showing faith in others.
Delegate meaningful responsibilities with autonomy.
Consistently Follow Through on Commitments
Say what you mean, and do what you say.
Small broken commitments lead to big trust issues.
Encourage Open Dialogue and Feedback
Create a space where people feel safe to share concerns.
Act on feedback to show it truly matters.
Show Appreciation and Recognize Contributions
Celebrate wins, both big and small.
Acknowledge the unseen efforts that make a difference.
Trust doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built—or eroded—by how you show up every single day. Every conversation, decision, and action moves your team toward high trust or low trust.
Which direction are you leading?
