Death by ambiguity
People want certainty, but they’ll settle for clarity.
At first glance, this might sound like a compromise. But in reality, it’s the foundation of strong relationships and effective leadership.
Because here’s the truth: Ambiguity is a killer. It breeds anxiety, fuels conflict, and forces people into their own worst enemy—the stories they create in their heads.
And those stories? They’re often wrong.
The Danger of an Unwritten Story
When people don’t know where they stand—whether in a relationship, on a team, or in a crisis—they will create their own version of reality. And they won’t create that story from a place of logic or optimism. They’ll pull from their past experiences, their fears, their insecurities.
Psychologists call this confirmation bias—our brain’s tendency to seek out information that supports what we already believe. If someone fears abandonment, ambiguity in a friendship will lead them to assume they’re being ghosted. If an employee feels undervalued, a lack of communication from their boss will convince them they’re about to be fired.
And once that story is formed, it becomes their reality—unless they’re willing to test it. And let’s be honest: most people won’t. Because their brain is telling them that their version of the truth is keeping them safe.
The Psychological Toll of Ambiguity
The FBI has studied what creates the most anguish in a human being, and one of the highest-ranking factors is ambiguity. Not knowing where you stand in a moment of crisis creates an unbearable psychological weight.
Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, understood this better than anyone. Every day, he would call the families of missing persons, even when he had no updates. Why? Because without his voice on the other end of the line—without some tether to reality—the families’ minds would spiral into worst-case scenarios. And when people spiral, they act impulsively. They make rash decisions. They do things that might actually put their loved one in greater danger.This applies far beyond hostage situations. When leaders fail to communicate, teams lose focus and motivation. When friends don’t clarify where they stand, relationships erode. When we leave people untethered, they will create a narrative—and it will almost always be worse than the truth.
A leader’s job isn’t just to drive results. It’s to provide clarity. To make sure their team knows where they stand in the story—what’s happening, what’s coming next, and what is still unknown.
And let’s be real: Clarity isn’t about knowing everything. It’s about being honest about what you do and don’t know. It’s about saying:
• “We don’t have the full answer yet, but here’s what we do know.”
• “Here’s where we are, and here’s what’s still uncertain.”
• “This is what I can promise, and this is what’s still in flux.”
Because the absence of a message is a message.
How to Bring Clarity to Your Relationships (Even Without Certainty)
This isn’t just about leadership—it’s about any relationship that matters. Friendships, family, teams. So how do you bring clarity, even when you don’t have all the answers?
1. Speak the Unsaid
If you feel distance or uncertainty in a friendship, name it. “Hey, I feel like we haven’t been as connected lately—are we good?” That one sentence can stop a spiral of assumptions.
2. Tell People Where They Stand
Sometimes, you don’t have clear answers, but you can give people an anchor. If you’re leading a team through a tough transition, say: “I don’t have all the answers yet, but I promise to keep you informed as I get them.” If a friend is going through something heavy, say: “I don’t know how this will turn out, but I’m here for you every step of the way.”
Because people don’t need certainty. They need to know where they are in the story. And that clarity—that tether—is the difference between chaos and calm.
The Bottom Line
Ambiguity is a vacuum. And if you don’t fill it with clarity, people will fill it with their own fears.
